James 4: 7-8 says “So humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you.  Draw close to God, and god will draw close to you.  Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, you hypocrites.  

Not sure why, but after reading this verse this morning I was drawn to write about my friend Jenny.  Jenny was a a beautiful, educated, married mother of two.  She also worked outside the home as the Director for Special Education at my sons school, so we are not talking about a dummy here.  She was also an Alcoholic.  One of the scariest types.  The type that could “clean up real well.”  The type that could drink all evening, then get up and run 5 miles the next morning.  The type that wore her bikini in the summer, and Burberry coat belted in the winter.  On the outside, she looked like it was all working quite well for her.  

I met Jennifer one rainy after noon inside the basement of the downtown Methodist church in the small town where I live.  She not only admitted in our AA meeting that she was an alcoholic, she stood up when she spoke.  She spoke very eloquently and for quite some time.  She was also drunk.  For the next 4 years I would watch her come in and out those doors, struggling with alcoholism.  During that time, she was in treatment 2 occasions,  and jail 2 different times, the last being for 6 months.  Jennifer was very good at drinking for quite some time, but as alcoholism is progressive, it began to catch up with her.  She still ran, and looked beautiful, but her skin was starting to take it’s toll, and I noticed her hair was becoming quite brittle and thin.  

I  began to invite Jennifer to church with me, the last year of her life.  She loved church.  I gave her a recovery bible, which later she gave back.  It was marked up with notes she had taken.  She would discover something new in the Bible, and call me so amazed, excited, and wanting to talk about it.  She was also still drinking.  Jenny’s husband had divorced her by this time.  I believe he was doing his best, but he told me he had to protect the children.  She had received her 2nd DUI with the children in the car, and was waiting on sentencing from the judge whom we had heard was not all too happy with her.  While waiting for the court date, and sentence from the  judge, she was intoxicated at school to the point of not being able to stand, and removed from the premises.  This final act at school cost her the job that she loved.  She had been dismissed another time previously at a private school in another city.  That particular incident was swept under the rug, so to speak.  I should probably mention that Jennifer’s husband was a relatively wealthy man and for quite some time without meaning to , he and others enabled her for several years.  Jenny received her sentence 6 months in jail.  This was a real shock to her.  She truly never believed that she would actually spend any lengthy time in jail.  Her last “visit” had only been for 30 days.  She was devastated. 

She wrote me a lengthy letter from jail, explaining how she was getting closer to The Lord and she new that she was exactly where she needed to be.  She got out of jail after 6 months, stayed sober for 30 days and I only saw her one more time.  She gave me back the Bible that I had given her, and thanked me for all my help, but she would not come back to AA or the church.  I knew that she was broken.  Some people find The Lord when they are broken, and choose to do his will, and I guess some do not.  I got a message on my phone shortly after Valentines day a few months later.  Jenny was found in her home dead.  Official cause of death, heart attack.   I also found out later that her husband was getting remarried and had just notified her.  She not only died from alcoholism, she died with a broken heart.

I began to contact other people who knew her, and find out funeral plans.  There was no Obituary in the local paper where she lived.  There was no celebration of her life.  Only sadness of what  could have been.  It was as if she were a piece of trash that no one cared anything about.  I was so angry inside.  Angry with the disease, angry with her enablers, and angry with her ex-husband who I thought should have a least written an Obituary and had some kind of memorial for her. 

Today I am sad.  Sad for what could have been.  Sad because I know she knew the lord, but yet chose to not surrender to his will.  Sad for her two beautiful children who will grow up without her………..Some receive Gods Grace, and some choose another way. 

Father in Jesus name I thank you today.  I thank you because you never gave up on me.  I thank you that you love never fails.  I thank you that I can celebrate today my delivery from alcoholism, only because of the blood of your son Jesus who covered all of my sin.

James 4: 10

When you bow down before The Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift you up and give you honor.

Psalms 118:5

In anguish I cried out to The Lord, and he answered, by setting me free.

Thinking back on my childhood, what is one of the top 3 things that effected my life and haunted me so terribly that I still recall it today at age 46? DREAMS. Bad, Torturous, Scary, Heart Pounding, BAD DREAMS. As a child I can remember having these awful dreams that seemed to happen nightly. I was probably between the ages of 8-10. I would pray every night the same prayer. “God please don’t let me have bad dreams that keep me awake.” For some reason the dreams continued and I can only describe what they were like in my child mind as torture. I was always running from someone, or something that was trying to kill me. I would have dreams where I was in a car headed straight into the back of a semi-truck with no way of stopping. When I hit the truck, I would wake up to the room spinning thinking that I had died. I never talked to anyone about the dreams, I just suffered in my own little torture chamber at night. Eventually the dreams stopped and life went on.
Fast forward as an adult. In June of 2006 I took my last drink of
alcohol after what can only be described as a living nightmare of alcoholism. Here’s what I find interesting. The first few months that I was sober, the dreams came back. Once again I was tortured. This time the dreams were full of demon like creatures. They were always after one thing, my life. Because of my desperation for Jesus, that came through my struggle with alcohol, this time I was armed. I began to cry out the name of Jesus in my sleep. I believe today that Satan was torturing me. I was getting to know Jesus. REALLY getting to know Jesus, and for the first time in my life, I was following his will for me. Satan had not given up, and he wanted my soul. I would cry out to those demons in my dreams saying “Satan in the name of Jesus you must leave!” Many times I woke myself up yelling those words. The dreams lasted for a very short time, and then stopped.
I still wonder why I had to suffer through the bad dreams as a child. Why did God not take them away immediately when being asked by a child. I can only know today that he has promised me that he will “use all things for good.” I love Jesus today with all my heart, and I am convinced that he is using “all things for good” in my life. He will do the same in your life too…..if you let him. Be blessed my friends.

While doing laundry this morning I started thinking about the last few months going through Breast Cancer.  It has been tough at times.  The first round of Chemo, put me in bed for 3-4 days at a time, and with pretty severe body aches.  Along with this time of the treatment came a very healthy fear.  I knew with every ounce of my heart and soul, that I could not take a drink, or any addictive drug.  Would I have had this healthy fear had I not had such a low bottom drunk?  I’m not so sure that I would have.  There are times when I am extremely grateful for my brokeness.  This was one of those times.  It has not been easy.  Going through the physical pain has been hard.  There have been times that I cried out to God, and felt like I still had no relief.  That’s where faith comes in.  God has never left me, and never let me down.  I don’t know what is in my future, but I trust that if I surrender my will to God, his plan for me is greater than anything I could come up with on my own.  During my drinking, I was very deep in self-will.  You don’t go through 6 treatment centers and still drink if you aren’t hanging on to self-will.  Today my self-will  is scary to me.  I’ve also learned to listen to the Holy Spirit.  That little voice inside me that says, “I don’t think I would do that if I were you”.  I don’t always hear that voice.  Sometimes I hear nothing.  Still working on what that means, but I clearly hear when I am being told NO!  Progress not perfection I guess….All said and done, thank you Lord for allowing me to survive my “Low Bottom Drunk”

It has taken me some time to continue writing about my weekend at Tarpley.  The reason being, as I began to write I realized just how little that I really remember about my trip there.  Let me start by saying that the main building was just beautiful. Looked a lot like what I would picture a hunting lodge to be like.  I have never actually stayed in a hunting lodge, but guessing from what I have seen in pictures and movies.  Big beautiful fire place, and a dining room table that went on and on and on.  My room was in the main house, so I didn’t get to see the other bunk houses.  My room was very comfortable and resembled the same style as the larger lodge area.  I’m having trouble writing this for 2 reasons.  One, like I said I can’t remember much, and two I’m truly ashamed of how I behaved on one particular night at Tarpley.  One thing I promised myself when I began to write on this blog again, was that I would be gut level honest.  I have asked God to use me to serve him, and he has told me again and again to write. Now being a relatively new listener to God, I still struggle with, “God are you sure you want me to tell that”?  I believe this is a story that he wants me to tell.  I have to tell you as I write this there is a lump in my throat and I hope that I can share this in a way that is pleasing to God.  Here goes.  One of the nights at Tarpley we were all gathered together in a very large meeting room.  There was a stage and rows of folding chairs, like you would picture for a praise and worship service.  There was a gentleman leading the service and at some point the word Demon was mentioned. This is the part that scares me the most.  I know the Bible talks about Demons, and I do believe they exist, but what I am about to share makes me uncomfortable even now. I am uncomfortable because I am ashamed, pure and simple.   I was listening to the leader, and others sitting with me in the crowd were crying out, praising God, dancing, and there I stood.  So what did I do?  I started to think….wow, maybe I have a Demon?  Maybe that’s why I drink?   Maybe it doesn’t have anything to do with my self will.  Maybe I’ve been going to recovery meetings and trying to surrender my will to the Lord, and all along I just had a Demon.  I must stop right here and tell you, NO I did not have a Demon.  The only demon I had came in a bottle and I was pouring it right down my throat.  But here in the midst of my denial, a demon sounded pretty good.  I opened my mouth and began to let angry words just spill off my tongue.  I somehow had convinced myself that if I “helped it along” that it was real.  It was not real, and the only reason I can write this is because I know my heavenly father has forgiven me for making a mockery of what some people have truly struggled with. In telling this story, I want anyone who reads it to know that you too can be forgiven.  When I accepted Jesus as my savior,  he bore all my sin.  Jesus died for me.  He died for all my mistakes, and all my failures.  I’m not sure why but I have never felt that God was angry with me for how I behaved that night.  Sad maybe.  But if I ever thought that I wasn’t forgiven….I could never have told you all the truth of that night.  My night of shame.  Thank you father for your precious grace and mercy on my life.  May you find me faithful from here forward.  I love you Lord.

I wrote a letter to Pastor and Diana some time back expressing my regret for my behavior during my visit and beyond.  Pastor John and Diana took me into their home, fed me, loved me, and treated me like I was their own.  I will forever be grateful for the lessons I learned while stumbling my way through their lives. 

Turns out today was only an arraignment for my CRI (Celebrate Recovery Inside) friend….so we will wait a few months for the next court date.  Two ladies have Parol Hearings this Thursday……Happy Sobriety!!

One of our ladies from CRI is being sentenced today. This entire process can be quite difficult. I’ve come to learn several things about court. First of all there are many courts to choose from, so it helps if I know which one to go to. Many times the inmate doesn’t even know which court. Secondly many court dates are rescheduled without notice. I have found my best resource for updates is a sweet lady named Charlotte who works the front desk at the jail. Charlotte is a wealth of information! When all else fails, she is my go to lady. I’m sitting in court at this time. I managed to find the correct court today rather quickly. There’s something very appealing to me about this side of the court room. Could be partly because I know I can leave at any time….what a gift. I will update later on the results.