From Alcoholics Anonymous Page 43

Once more: The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink. Ex- cept in a few rare cases, neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a Higher Power.
My experience has been I need Jesus to get, and to stay sober. There is no other defense. 

Disaster In A Treatment Center

Buffalo Valley Treatment Center
Buffalo Valley Treatment Center

I was in my 4th Treatment Center, Buffalo Valley in Lewisburg, TN.  Buffalo Valley had two houses where the patients were housed.  The first was where the staff had offices, and patient rooms were upstairs. The second house was two doors down and housed only patients.  Because of my history with relapse, it would have been smart of me to request the main house close to staff. However being a chronic alcoholic, and in the mental state that I was, I would have never made such a request.  Across from the houses were a Super Rama Grocery Store, and a Dollar Store.  I made it about two weeks into treatment, and the Super Rama started calling my name.  We were warned from day one if we left the property, we would be asked to leave treatment.  Throwing all reason to the wind, I bolted across the street with a backpack, straight into the Super Rama and over to the beer isle.  Once inside I really don’t remember seeing anyone.  No store clerk, no other shoppers, all I saw was my next drink.  I know it was only beer, but when you are an alcoholic in the middle of the madness, beer is just fine. We weren’t allowed to have money at the center, so I loaded up my backpack.  I was just about to exit the front door when I hear, “Excuse me miss?”  No response from me so she says it again.  In the excitement I somehow trip on one of those big red Rug Doctor machines.  I struggle with the dumb thing for what seems like forever, then finally break through and scramble out the door.  I take off in a run, the opposite direction of the treatment center.  Then I glance behind me and there she is.  The Super Rama clerk is making tracks right behind me. Oh no, what is she going for clerk of the month?  It’s only beer, just let me go.  I knew I was sunk because she was built like a runner, and at that time I was built like Bud Light.  I had to think fast so I swing my backpack around front and start throwing the beers over my shoulder, meanwhile still trying to keep pace.  I can’t believe I’m still in front of her, and then it’s over.  I hear sirens coming from somewhere but I don’t see anything. This point I have crossed a field and headed across a street.  Halfway across the street, the police car appears seemingly out of nowhere.  I run smack in front of it, and the officer slams on the brakes.  The policeman gets out of his car and the clerk runs up out of breath. She tells him that I have stolen beer from the store.  I show him my empty backpack and tell him she is crazy.  There’s definitely a crazy person in his presence, but unfortunately for me, it is not the clerk.  After a short look through the field, the officer returns with the evidence.  I am handcuffed a half block away from Buffalo Valley and taken to jail.  I was charged with theft of the beer, and for throwing them over my shoulder, attempted assault on the clerk.  Whatever the charges, I’m sure I deserved them and more.  I wish I could say things ended there and I was able to get sober, but I just kept adding to the story.

Cole Remembers

Cole Remembers

My 18  year old son wrote this paper about his life as a child with an alcoholic Mom. This was shared from his heart.   He gave me permission to post. I am so proud of what God is doing in his life.  Please read , as Cole Remembers.

Glen Cole Payne
Prayers Work
I believe that Prayers work. This has been a belief I have had for many years. My mom was an alcoholic for the first 7 years of my life, it was very bad. she had been kicked out of 12 treatment centers by the time I was 7. This year changed my life for ever. My dad and I loaded up the truck and were going to leave her knowing she would drink herself to death. There was nothing we could do, my dad just wanted to protect me now. We were in the truck about to get on the highway when I bowed my head and prayed for the first time on my own. We were about 5 minutes into driving on the highway when, till this day I don’t know why, I asked my dad to give her one more chance. He decided to turn around, when we got there she was drunk and we took all the bottles and she finally admitted she wanted help. Here I am 10 years later and my mom has 10 years sobriety now and leads a jail ministry and leads celebrate recovery at our church. It wasn’t a smooth road but we made it that’s for sure. During that time my dad had to close his record label and here he is with a 7yr old and a drunk wife and he has no job. Things were tough. He didn’t know what to do and honestly no one did. she would get a month sober then she would drink again but we didn’t give up we kept praying. All my dad’s side of the family didn’t want to be around her, they hated her for what she did. Honestly I can’t blame them. She had changed our whole family and it wasn’t in a good way. There was one thing that always kept me strong that was knowing God had my back no matter what. Im so blessed to have learned that at a young age. Everyone says I grew up way too fast but this struggle made me a stronger person.
My mom was 7 years sober when we found out she had breast cancer. I felt so helpless i thought to myself God why my mom? Why my family? But he had a plan for us. We went to the best cancer doctor in TN and we got a game plan. It was out of my hands I found myself in a dark hole again. Thats when I started praying hard for not only her but for my family. We had just gotten on our feet, why knock us back down? This was a challenge I can’t take on it’s all up to God and the doctors. My dad always said “you don’t know if you don’t at least try.” We were praying like crazy and in the back of my head I knew we would be ok and she would beat it. 6 months in to it she lost her hair and that destroyed her she had the prettiest blonde hair and it was gone overnight. This hurt me so bad seeing her in pain and all I can do is pray. Yet again i’m still feeling so helpless and sad. I just kept praying and next thing I knew we were at family dinner when we got the call that she was cancer free. God came through again. He has blessed me so much. I believe prays work because all I have been through. I hope everyone realizes prayers work. Whether they are 7yrs old or 70yrs old I hope they experience the comfort of a prayers as I did. Feeling sorry for myself didn’t change a thing but me doing the only thing I could did. Even if you don’t believe in God if something happens and you’re in a dark hole try Praying God heard mine he will hear yours too. Its at least worth a try whether it’s a 10 second or 10 minute prayer I believe prayers work I hope someday you do too.

Homeless Shelter and The Obsession of the Mind

Obsession of the Mind……Powerful!


During my alcoholic tornado my family and friends had decided they were through enabling me.  I ended up at the Nashville Rescue Mission.  I was suppose to stay 30 days in the shelter and then I could transfer over to The Hope Center which was a program for women with Drug and Alcohol Problems and entailed Bible based studies for 6 months.  I had been at the shelter about 2 weeks, when standing out in the back courtyard, I had an idea.  You have to understand at this sick part of my life, I was obsessed with alcohol and how to get it about 90% of the time.  I was not allowed to leave the shelter, or I would be kicked out of the program.  So here I am standing in the courtyard and suddenly the thought comes to my mind that I could probably slip away real easily, run…

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You Search For Love

I was having one of those days of complete  anger and frustration.  I couldn’t seem to get a person to see my side of an argument, or really my side of anything. I could feel the resentment building, and getting stronger.

Ephesians 4:31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ forgave you.

I went to the Lord with my complaint, “Lord how do I handle someone like this?”  My first thought, before I listen for his response, Andy Stanley!  He always has great sermons on how to handle difficulty. Then I hear the voice

Not Andy Stanley

“Then where do I go Lord?”

Go to my word

Ok God, well that makes sense, but where do I start?  What do I Google?  This problem has so many elements, where do I start?

And the voice says….

Love, you search for Love
Then the tears started and I opened my Bible, and used my Ipad to Google

What Does the Bible Say About Unconditional Love

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.  For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.  1 John 4:18

But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you  Luke 6:27

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.  1 Peter 4:8

The aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith.  1 Timothy 1:5

And then the one that spoke to me the loudest…….

If I speak in the tongues of men and angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

Wow no wonder words spoken in anger are never heard correctly, or said how I intended.  They are a noisy gong or clanging cymbal, they are an anoyance, not a solution.  I heard it said “Speak the truth with kindness” or “Speak the truth with love.”

No matter where I wanted to go with this, whatever blame game I wanted to play, God took me back to Love.