Chapter 1 Continued/My Story

We arrived home without incident.  Daddy driving and me in the back with hot rod.  That’s the current name we call Cole, there have been many through the years.  We lived in Nashville across from the beautiful Christ Church at a subdivision called The Woodlands.  Our address was Nashville, but we were close enough to the more prestigious Brentwood that in a stretch you could say we lived in BHAHHHHRENTWOOOOD.  Prestige was much more important to me back then.  But moving right along…..  So today, we are bringing home our new bundle, to our new home, and I think we even had a new truck.  Right now I can’t even tell you what kind it was.  I’m sure if I asked Todd he could tell me the make,model, and year.  Guys always know that kind of stuff.  We walk into our home and the two Himalayan  kittens are there to meet us.  They are brothers that were a gift from Todd and Carla (my sister-in-law).  We actually drove to Carthage TN, home of Al Gore, just thought I’d throw that in , to purchase a kitten from a breeder.  Yes I did say a kitten, but when we arrived there, the breeder had two kittens left in the litter.  We only had money for one kitten.  Oh I forgot to mention that Carla had come along for the ride, and to help us pick out said kitten.  Singular, one, yes one kitten.  I was trying to choose when Carla says “How much for the pair”?  We rode home with two beautiful Flame Point Himalayans.  Todd sneezed the whole way home.  We named them Elvis and Presley.  E & P met us at the door and when we sat Cole down on the floor in his car seat, the introductions began.  The boys or E & P as we called them began to sniff  Cole, the blankets, his car seat, and then it happened.  Cole let out a whaale that could clear a room.  We didn’t see E & P for the next hour or so.  And what started the loud outburst from our bundle?  Mama’s you guessed it, time for lunch.  Oh I had so much to learn, and it all started that first day home from the hospital.  I had decided to breast feed and Cole had taken well to the idea.  So I took him to his pretty perfectly decorated room, sat down in the rocker and proceeded to do my mommy duty.  This time didn’t seem as easy as in the hospital with all the nurses to help me.  None the less, boy was fed after about an hour or so.  Then he slept for about, oh and hour or so and we started over.  Later that evening the calvery showed up in the form of a beautiful white headed lady that the other grand children affectionately called Gaga.  Gaga is Todd’s mom and my mothere-in-law.  I hear horror stories from my friends about their mother in laws, but for me, God blessed me with a mother-in-law that I call mom.  She has been a true gift in my life and the things that she has taught me, have become priceless.  First and foremost, her relationship with God was something that for years I couldn’t understand.  I believed that it was possible to have a faith in God that was above everything else, but I never imagined that God would have that with me.  A few years later, I would become desperate for God, and only then would I find that kind of faith.

 

 

 

 

Jail Today/Obsession of the Mind

At the jail today, there were only eight ladies in the Celebrate Recovery meeting. Quite often, these small groups are the most intimate and revealing. I’ve learned that rather than follow the guidebook for every meeting and work the lesson, it is best to pray and ask God to run the meeting. What a concept, right?  Today was one of those days when it was confirmed again how God knows what he is doing. We talked about the IT in recovery. People are always asking in recovery “How did you know when you got IT”. When did you realize that you had surrendered your will to God, and you were really through drinking and drugging. One young women shared about how she thought several times that she got IT. She believed she had surrendered her life to the Lord, only to relapse again and wonder what in the world happened. This women had been sober several months at a time. So we talked about the daily surrender. I was taught in the beginning to pray, “God please give me knowledge of your will for me today, and the power to carry it out”. I believe this daily surrender is the key, but we also have to deal with temptations that pop up out of the blue. Because there is such a thing as Obsession of the Mind, an alcoholic or a drug addict has but a very few seconds to make a choice. We can make a choice to call for help, immediately change whatever we are doing,. or my personalImage favorite “Run Forrest Run”. You see most of us sober folks have found that the second we entertain the idea to drink………it takes but only a few seconds to become an Obsession of the Mind, and we are once again off to the races. It is critical for us to make the right choice, within seconds of a temptation. The good news is that if we make the right choice, the thought goes away just as quickly as it came. Then we sit back in awe of how we actually chose not to use……

Waterboarding

Proverbs 19:13
A foolish child is a calamity to a father, a quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping.

Wow…When I first read this, I thought of Waterboarding. When I quarrel with my husband is that as if I am subjecting him to water torture? It says it, right here in Proverbs. Why do I continue to quarrel with the man that God chose for me? There must still be that part of me that is, I want to say independent, but the real words are, a know it all! After all, I listened to you Lord and worked very hard on myself for the past 7 years! As I write this, it looks so sad to me that the tears start with no prodding. Am I as hard on myself as I am on my husband? Not nearly. Why is it so easy to see where others are coming up short, and so hard to admit to my own short comings. At this point in my life, God has called me to write. Write you say? Yes write. Write what you say? I don’t know, but I know I was called to write. If you think you are confused, you should try living free rent in my head a bit. So anyway, God has called me to write. So why do I have so much trouble picking up that pen? God always provides the topic, and he never fails me. But every time I pick up the pen, I feel like I’m being led to slaughter! Just earlier today on my nice long layover in Brazil, I know life is tough, I have the following arguments with God.
Me Lord you want a lot from me. (Seeing this in print makes me laugh)
God I do, I gave my Son for you.

Me Lord I don’t know what to write.
God Just pick up the pen Dear Child (I added the Dear Child myself, just kinda seems how God would talk.)

Me Ok I’m picking up the pen, I’m ready to write…Ooops sorry Lord, I forgot to floss my teeth after I brushed. Just gotta do that real quick then I’m ready to obey you.
God Really?

So why again would I be so hard on others. I have learned in Recovery to “Take care of my own side of the street” “Give them to God” “Pray for others” Yet my own self-will continually tries to jump in. So much work to do…Maybe thats why God called me to write. Through writing, I seem to find it easier to listen to God and obey him. Just need to do it way more often!

Dear Jesus,
Please calm my fears and help me with my desire to do your will. I believe the root of my struggle always seems to be fear. You have said, “Fear Not” many times in your word. Please help me to believe and to grasp the peace that you have so graciously given me. I love you Lord, and my greatest desire truly is to serve you. Please help me fight this flesh that wants something else. Something that will never fulfill the true desire of my heart. In your precious name I ask.
Lori

Shameful Day at the Shelter

The Homeless Shelter had two stories.  The downstairs consisted of the chapel on one side and the offices and cafeteria on the other.  The upstairs had beds and bathrooms of the “Program People” like me on one side, and the homeless transient people on the other with their beds and bathrooms.  There was a small t.v. lounge in the center of both sides, but it was rarely used because program people and transient people were not allowed to associate.  We were in a program, they were not, that made us different.  I was told that the reason behind the rule was that the transient folks were allowed to leave during the day and could possibly bring in alcohol or drugs to the program people who were not allowed to leave.  Program people were not allowed to leave on their own at any time, or they could not come back.  At night outside my window, it wasn’t uncommon to watch drug deals being made  between the buildings.  

One incident, that I think about to this day, happened one hot afternoon in our bathroom on the “program side.”  One of the transient homeless ladies probably in her late 50’s, with mental challenges decided that she wanted to take a bath.  There were no bath tubs on her side of the shelter, so she came on over to ours.  I remember seeing this lady quite often at the shelter.  She was a regular and could often be heard talking to herself.  So there she sat in the middle of one of our bathtubs.  Now there were many of us at the shelter, me included, that thrived on drama, so another women went immediately to tell one of the staff our aweful dreadful problem.  I have to say that this kind of drama I didn’t like.  I felt sorry for the women and would have said nothing to staff, but I also said nothing to stop it.  If I knew what would happen next, I would have begged them to just leave her alone, but I didn’t.  The senior staff member came in our bathroom and started yelling at the women to get out of the tub.  I could not see or hear from my vantage point any response from the lady.  I don’t believe that she spoke back.  The staff member continued to yell and then she said something that I thought was surely just a threat, you know a bluff…………..Oh if only she was bluffing……..

 

Arriving At The Homeless Shelter

image

Walking into the shelter that day years ago, I must have been so sick and in denial that I clearly could not see the truth from the false. My friend Sue, who was kind enough, or just in the wrong place at the wrong time when I asked her to sponsor me, had taken me there. In recovery a sponsor is someone who guides you through your recovery and all that entails. For me, bless her heart, this would mean my getting sick in her car, calling her so many times one night she finally put the phone in the drawer, and those were some of the better moments. So we arrive at the shelter to do a “walk through” and have their drug and alcohol program explained to us. In my mind, remember how dangerous it was up there, in my mind that is, I’m walking with a Real estate Agent showing me where my bed would be in my new home, and hoping that I will approve! I’m also trying to decide what colors would look best on my twin bed, and if Sue will take me to buy new ones. It is explained to me that I am required to stay in the Homeless Shelter area for 30 days, then I can be accepted next door into the Hope Center for a 6 month Recovery Program. The program is Biblically based. Sue approves of the program and I move in 3 days later, still in my cloud of denial.

During the first few days, the rules are introduced to me, and I am constantly thinking of ways to break them, or at least get around them. I also make sure to mention to any of the staff who would listen names of any “important or celebrity people” that I know. Once again in my mind, I must establish right away just “who I am” and how different I was from everyone else at the shelter. I was just at a bump in the road, and didn’t really belong there. After all, I had dined with Country Music Stars!!! I continued to look to all the worldly things that didn’t matter, and couldn’t see my sweet Jesus who was carrying me…… I read my Bible, said all the right things, but completely ignoring any personal relationship with God. I can picture Jesus at that time and wonder was he laughing about how silly I was? Or did it break his heart to see me so far away from him. Either way, he never left me, NEVER.

Matthew 25:35
For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home.

I Needed That a Long Time Ago

As I hang up the phone with my sweet mom this morning, she says I love you to sweetheart, in the softest sweetest voice I will ever hear.  I think about how as a child growing up, I needed that so badly.  But we were both very different people back then.  My Dad was a very generous hard working man.   He was also an alcoholic. Mom spent most of her time keeping him happy, if dad wasn’t happy, no one was happy.

This leads me to think about my own life. I’m sure there have been many times since I had my last drink of alcohol, that Cole has enjoyed a hug or a kind word from me. Has he also thought, I needed that so badly when I was younger? Probably, I intend to ask him. We talk a lot lately.

Life is hard. Unfortunately we make wrong choices along the way. I heard Oprah say one time “When we knew better, we did better.” Not a dig on Oprah, but God said it in the bible way before her.

1 Corinthians 13:11 NLT
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.

I took longer to grow up than some. I’m so grateful for Gods grace in my life, his grace truly is sufficient for me, my mom, my dad…..you too