Back in the Day Toby Keith
Author: flyingsober
Conclusion Shameful Day at the Shelter
We left off at the bath tub in the homeless shelter….
The staff member said to the transient ” If you don’t get out of that tub, I’m calling the police.” The police? Surely she’s not serious. Just wait a while and the women will eventually get out. Certainly the police would not respond to such a request. Uhhh….we have a lady here at the homeless shelter who is in the wrong bath tub, and we need you to send an officer out to remove said lady from said tub. No, this had to be a bluff. Sadly, she was not bluffing. A few minutes passed and I could hear men’s voices coming up the stairs of the shelter where the perpetrator remained in the bath tub. There were two male officers and they were headed straight for the bathrooms. I and several others had gathered at the doorway of our bedroom to watch the scene unravel. There was no hesitation, no warning, no polite alert. The officers entered the bathroom, called the women by name, then proceeded to drag her naked, dripping wet body from the bath, across the t.v. room and down the stairs. She was screaming and crying the whole way.
Of all the wrong doing and sin in my life, I still had some heart left, and it was breaking for her. Please just leave her alone, its only a bath, she would have gotten out.
I was ashamed. Ashamed I was there, ashamed I didn’t try to help, ashamed of my sisters who chose such an act of cruelty for such a small crime. Ashamed of who I was at that very moment.
Shameful Day at the Shelter
The Homeless Shelter had two stories. The downstairs consisted of the chapel on one side and the offices and cafeteria on the other. The upstairs had beds and bathrooms of the “Program People” like me on one side, and the homeless transient people on the other with their beds and bathrooms. There was a small t.v. lounge in the center of both sides, but it was rarely used because program people and transient people were not allowed to associate. We were in a program, they were not, that made us different. I was told that the reason behind the rule was that the transient folks were allowed to leave during the day and could possibly bring in alcohol or drugs to the program people who were not allowed to leave. Program people were not allowed to leave on their own at any time, or they could not come back. At night outside my window, it wasn’t uncommon to watch drug deals being made between the buildings.
One incident, that I think about to this day, happened one hot afternoon in our bathroom on the “program side.” One of the transient homeless ladies probably in her late 50’s, with mental challenges decided that she wanted to take a bath. There were no bath tubs on her side of the shelter, so she came on over to ours. I remember seeing this lady quite often at the shelter. She was a regular and could often be heard talking to herself. So there she sat in the middle of one of our bathtubs. Now there were many of us at the shelter, me included, that thrived on drama, so another women went immediately to tell one of the staff our aweful dreadful problem. I have to say that this kind of drama I didn’t like. I felt sorry for the women and would have said nothing to staff, but I also said nothing to stop it. If I knew what would happen next, I would have begged them to just leave her alone, but I didn’t. The senior staff member came in our bathroom and started yelling at the women to get out of the tub. I could not see or hear from my vantage point any response from the lady. I don’t believe that she spoke back. The staff member continued to yell and then she said something that I thought was surely just a threat, you know a bluff…………..Oh if only she was bluffing……..
Arriving At The Homeless Shelter
Walking into the shelter that day years ago, I must have been so sick and in denial that I clearly could not see the truth from the false. My friend Sue, who was kind enough, or just in the wrong place at the wrong time when I asked her to sponsor me, had taken me there. In recovery a sponsor is someone who guides you through your recovery and all that entails. For me, bless her heart, this would mean my getting sick in her car, calling her so many times one night she finally put the phone in the drawer, and those were some of the better moments. So we arrive at the shelter to do a “walk through” and have their drug and alcohol program explained to us. In my mind, remember how dangerous it was up there, in my mind that is, I’m walking with a Real estate Agent showing me where my bed would be in my new home, and hoping that I will approve! I’m also trying to decide what colors would look best on my twin bed, and if Sue will take me to buy new ones. It is explained to me that I am required to stay in the Homeless Shelter area for 30 days, then I can be accepted next door into the Hope Center for a 6 month Recovery Program. The program is Biblically based. Sue approves of the program and I move in 3 days later, still in my cloud of denial.
During the first few days, the rules are introduced to me, and I am constantly thinking of ways to break them, or at least get around them. I also make sure to mention to any of the staff who would listen names of any “important or celebrity people” that I know. Once again in my mind, I must establish right away just “who I am” and how different I was from everyone else at the shelter. I was just at a bump in the road, and didn’t really belong there. After all, I had dined with Country Music Stars!!! I continued to look to all the worldly things that didn’t matter, and couldn’t see my sweet Jesus who was carrying me…… I read my Bible, said all the right things, but completely ignoring any personal relationship with God. I can picture Jesus at that time and wonder was he laughing about how silly I was? Or did it break his heart to see me so far away from him. Either way, he never left me, NEVER.
Matthew 25:35
For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home.
Couldn’t Help Myself
This is Too Funny
I Needed That a Long Time Ago
As I hang up the phone with my sweet mom this morning, she says I love you to sweetheart, in the softest sweetest voice I will ever hear. I think about how as a child growing up, I needed that so badly. But we were both very different people back then. My Dad was a very generous hard working man. He was also an alcoholic. Mom spent most of her time keeping him happy, if dad wasn’t happy, no one was happy.
This leads me to think about my own life. I’m sure there have been many times since I had my last drink of alcohol, that Cole has enjoyed a hug or a kind word from me. Has he also thought, I needed that so badly when I was younger? Probably, I intend to ask him. We talk a lot lately.
Life is hard. Unfortunately we make wrong choices along the way. I heard Oprah say one time “When we knew better, we did better.” Not a dig on Oprah, but God said it in the bible way before her.
1 Corinthians 13:11 NLT
When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
I took longer to grow up than some. I’m so grateful for Gods grace in my life, his grace truly is sufficient for me, my mom, my dad…..you too
London Snowstorm/Celebrity Siting
Hi friends arrived in London yesterday at 7:30 am, suppose to leave this morning, ,,but we are cancelled. I didn’t realize when we left that there was a rather large snow storm here on Thur. and Friday, we are expecting more snow tonight. Considering getting out for my day off in London, but it certainly is bitter cold!! On a fun note I had the privledge
A Piece of Trash
James 4: 7-8 says “So humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw close to God, and god will draw close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, you hypocrites.
Not sure why, but after reading this verse this morning I was drawn to write about my friend Jenny. Jenny was a a beautiful, educated, married mother of two. She also worked outside the home as the Director for Special Education at my sons school, so we are not talking about a dummy here. She was also an Alcoholic. One of the scariest types. The type that could “clean up real well.” The type that could drink all evening, then get up and run 5 miles the next morning. The type that wore her bikini in the summer, and Burberry coat belted in the winter. On the outside, she looked like it was all working quite well for her.
I met Jennifer one rainy after noon inside the basement of the downtown Methodist church in the small town where I live. She not only admitted in our AA meeting that she was an alcoholic, she stood up when she spoke. She spoke very eloquently and for quite some time. She was also drunk. For the next 4 years I would watch her come in and out those doors, struggling with alcoholism. During that time, she was in treatment 2 occasions, and jail 2 different times, the last being for 6 months. Jennifer was very good at drinking for quite some time, but as alcoholism is progressive, it began to catch up with her. She still ran, and looked beautiful, but her skin was starting to take it’s toll, and I noticed her hair was becoming quite brittle and thin.
I began to invite Jennifer to church with me, the last year of her life. She loved church. I gave her a recovery bible, which later she gave back. It was marked up with notes she had taken. She would discover something new in the Bible, and call me so amazed, excited, and wanting to talk about it. She was also still drinking. Jenny’s husband had divorced her by this time. I believe he was doing his best, but he told me he had to protect the children. She had received her 2nd DUI with the children in the car, and was waiting on sentencing from the judge whom we had heard was not all too happy with her. While waiting for the court date, and sentence from the judge, she was intoxicated at school to the point of not being able to stand, and removed from the premises. This final act at school cost her the job that she loved. She had been dismissed another time previously at a private school in another city. That particular incident was swept under the rug, so to speak. I should probably mention that Jennifer’s husband was a relatively wealthy man and for quite some time without meaning to , he and others enabled her for several years. Jenny received her sentence 6 months in jail. This was a real shock to her. She truly never believed that she would actually spend any lengthy time in jail. Her last “visit” had only been for 30 days. She was devastated.
She wrote me a lengthy letter from jail, explaining how she was getting closer to The Lord and she new that she was exactly where she needed to be. She got out of jail after 6 months, stayed sober for 30 days and I only saw her one more time. She gave me back the Bible that I had given her, and thanked me for all my help, but she would not come back to AA or the church. I knew that she was broken. Some people find The Lord when they are broken, and choose to do his will, and I guess some do not. I got a message on my phone shortly after Valentines day a few months later. Jenny was found in her home dead. Official cause of death, heart attack. I also found out later that her husband was getting remarried and had just notified her. She not only died from alcoholism, she died with a broken heart.
I began to contact other people who knew her, and find out funeral plans. There was no Obituary in the local paper where she lived. There was no celebration of her life. Only sadness of what could have been. It was as if she were a piece of trash that no one cared anything about. I was so angry inside. Angry with the disease, angry with her enablers, and angry with her ex-husband who I thought should have a least written an Obituary and had some kind of memorial for her.
Today I am sad. Sad for what could have been. Sad because I know she knew the lord, but yet chose to not surrender to his will. Sad for her two beautiful children who will grow up without her………..Some receive Gods Grace, and some choose another way.
Father in Jesus name I thank you today. I thank you because you never gave up on me. I thank you that you love never fails. I thank you that I can celebrate today my delivery from alcoholism, only because of the blood of your son Jesus who covered all of my sin.
James 4: 10
When you bow down before The Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift you up and give you honor.
Psalms 118:5
In anguish I cried out to The Lord, and he answered, by setting me free.
Acceptance
Darn…..A Saturday night and I missed my flight home by literaly 5 minutes. Called the agent when I arrived at La Guardia to let her know that I was running if she could possibly wait until the last minute to shut the door. Sometimes, actually more often than not, they close the doors early when everyone is onboard. Everyone that is except non-revs. Non-Revs, that would be me. When you fly on a pass (free) you are called a Non-Revenue passenger. Some of us employees are nice to each other and do our best to help one another and some do not. I don’t think this agent cared one iota that I was running for the “last flight of the night to Nashville.” When I got to the gate, I could see the aircraft out the window. The jetbridge door was closed and locked so I proceeded to take my key out, open the door, and sprint to the end of the jetbridge. I should say at this time I am pushing it just a little. Once the door is closed to the terminal that is suppose to be the signal to anyone and everyone that the flight is gone, closed out, on its way, look for a blanket or a hotel. When I get half way down the jetbridge the agent starts yelling “It’s gone, had to close the door, couldn’t hold it.” She had closed the door 10 minutes before departure, which is certainly within her rights to do and is often done. I stopped in my tracks said #$#&^* to myself, and then ” Ok thank you for trying” to the agent. Do I believe she tried to help me? #&%# no, but that is the way that I handle things today, except for the unlocking the door and running down the jetbridge part, I probably shouldn’t have done that. But for the most part I try to accept the the things I cannot change. I used to run the show in all aspects of my life, and then notify God if I needed some help. That type of thinking got me into alot of trouble. My friends in recovery pointed out to me a page in the AA book which talks all about acceptance and how it holds the key to all of my problems today. Accepting that things are exactly as they are suppose to be at any given moment. Really? Was I suppose to miss my flight? Still not sure. I am on a plane home this morning, and missed church….was that God’s plan? Surely not. Then I also think about James 4 where it talks about “You do not have because you do not ask. ” I stop again dead in my tracks. Did I ask God to allow me to make my flight home? I called the agent and asked….I was pro-active, right? But did I ask the living God, the one who controls my every breath? Truth is …..no. In all my rush I did not talk to the one who truly is the key to all my problems today. Would he have answered me? Of course he would. He may have said “No my plan for you is to spend the night here at this stinky, lousy, crowed La Guardia Airport tonight.” Or he may have held that door to the American Eagle plane and rolled out the Red Carpet. I won’t know, because I didn’t ask. My lesson today was and is, turn to God first in ALL things, then accept his answer. Blessings Friends!
Tortured
Thinking back on my childhood, what is one of the top 3 things that effected my life and haunted me so terribly that I still recall it today at age 46? DREAMS. Bad, Torturous, Scary, Heart Pounding, BAD DREAMS. As a child I can remember having these awful dreams that seemed to happen nightly. I was probably between the ages of 8-10. I would pray every night the same prayer. “God please don’t let me have bad dreams that keep me awake.” For some reason the dreams continued and I can only describe what they were like in my child mind as torture. I was always running from someone, or something that was trying to kill me. I would have dreams where I was in a car headed straight into the back of a semi-truck with no way of stopping. When I hit the truck, I would wake up to the room spinning thinking that I had died. I never talked to anyone about the dreams, I just suffered in my own little torture chamber at night. Eventually the dreams stopped and life went on.
Fast forward as an adult. In June of 2006 I took my last drink of
alcohol after what can only be described as a living nightmare of alcoholism. Here’s what I find interesting. The first few months that I was sober, the dreams came back. Once again I was tortured. This time the dreams were full of demon like creatures. They were always after one thing, my life. Because of my desperation for Jesus, that came through my struggle with alcohol, this time I was armed. I began to cry out the name of Jesus in my sleep. I believe today that Satan was torturing me. I was getting to know Jesus. REALLY getting to know Jesus, and for the first time in my life, I was following his will for me. Satan had not given up, and he wanted my soul. I would cry out to those demons in my dreams saying “Satan in the name of Jesus you must leave!” Many times I woke myself up yelling those words. The dreams lasted for a very short time, and then stopped.
I still wonder why I had to suffer through the bad dreams as a child. Why did God not take them away immediately when being asked by a child. I can only know today that he has promised me that he will “use all things for good.” I love Jesus today with all my heart, and I am convinced that he is using “all things for good” in my life. He will do the same in your life too…..if you let him. Be blessed my friends.
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