He was the most beautiful baby in the whole world. My heart was so full and I couldn’t imagine anything better than being his mom. Todd stood next to the bed his face soaking wet. We had been married 4 years and the time seemed perfect to start a family. Really everything seemed pretty perfect at that time. We had a beautiful new home. Todd was heading up the christian country division of a record label, and I had been a flight attendant with a major carrier for 9 years. Todd was doing well with his job, and I didn’t have to fly a full schedule unless I wanted to. Todd really liked his job, and cowboy boots and Stetson hats started to appear around our home. I liked being a part of his career as well. I was ready at any time to go hear some good music. And now here we are at Baptist Hospital in Nashville, TN, and shortly will leave with this perfect little baby boy. We also were gifted with family. Family was spilling out of the recovery room, the waiting room, the cafeteria….we felt so loved. My father in law was a Christian Singer. He toured for over 50 years with his group The Cathedral Quartet. He arrived at the hospital shortly before our boy, his namesake was born. I would find out later that he was dropped off by the tour bus, and spent the night on a bench in the waiting room, awaiting the arrival of his 3rd grandchild. I told you things were pretty much perfect. The calm before the storm? Satin hates it when Gods children smile. I had no idea at the time, but I would very soon open a door and give him the foothold he needed to begin his evil beating of me and my family. And, when Satin begins his beating, he tears on the very heart and soul that God has breathed into you. I am reminded again of why I write with tears….I no one but me, is to blame for the terrible beating that Satin was waiting to bestow on my precious family.
But right there, and then….things were looking up. Way Up!!
It was a joyous occasion!! The time in the hospital passed and it was time to take our little bundle home. I will never forget Todd saying “I can’t believe they are going to just let us leave here with him”. Yep, we were both a little clueless. I am the reader in the family so I was armed with the latest edition of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”. Off we went with all the flowers, balloons, stuffed animals and Glen Cole Payne 7lbs 3oz.
Author: flyingsober
Sunday Mornin Coming Down
I Write With Tears
Listening to Dr. Charles Stanley, I am once again reminded how awful it would be if toward the end of life, you suddenly discover that God had given you a gift, a purpose in life, and you never used it. Dr. Stanley called it ending your life with a big fat 0! Wow a 0….As tears come to my eyes, very easily these days it seems, I realize at 47 years of age I don’t want this to happen to me. I have failed so many times in my life. Lord, I don’t want to fail you. And so, here I am, and I write. I write with pain in my gut that is sometimes so strong I feel it will burst. You know where my pain comes from God. I know where it comes from too……and that is why I write again, with tears ……So here I begin my story….with hurt in my heart and fear that is so strong it can only be conquered through surrender to the Lord….So again here it is the story of how God used this broken messed up life, to show just how far his grace will go…..
In the days to come I will begin to share my story. I appreciate your prayers as I share the parts of my story that are the hardest to share. Therefore
I Write With Tears
Jail Today/Obsession of the Mind
At the jail today, there were only eight ladies in the Celebrate Recovery meeting. Quite often, these small groups are the most intimate and revealing. I’ve learned that rather than follow the guidebook for every meeting and work the lesson, it is best to pray and ask God to run the meeting. What a concept, right? Today was one of those days when it was confirmed again how God knows what he is doing. We talked about the IT in recovery. People are always asking in recovery “How did you know when you got IT”. When did you realize that you had surrendered your will to God, and you were really through drinking and drugging. One young women shared about how she thought several times that she got IT. She believed she had surrendered her life to the Lord, only to relapse again and wonder what in the world happened. This women had been sober several months at a time. So we talked about the daily surrender. I was taught in the beginning to pray, “God please give me knowledge of your will for me today, and the power to carry it out”. I believe this daily surrender is the key, but we also have to deal with temptations that pop up out of the blue. Because there is such a thing as Obsession of the Mind, an alcoholic or a drug addict has but a very few seconds to make a choice. We can make a choice to call for help, immediately change whatever we are doing,. or my personal
favorite “Run Forrest Run”. You see most of us sober folks have found that the second we entertain the idea to drink………it takes but only a few seconds to become an Obsession of the Mind, and we are once again off to the races. It is critical for us to make the right choice, within seconds of a temptation. The good news is that if we make the right choice, the thought goes away just as quickly as it came. Then we sit back in awe of how we actually chose not to use……
Celebrate Recovery Duck Dynasty Style
Turning Off The Voices
I have learned something huge for me this week. I was listening to a Sermon of Dr. Charles Stanley “Gods Stress Remover”. The sermons from this man of God, when put to practice in my life, have truly changed my life, and helped me to grow in my relationship with God. I was on a layover down in Brazil, when I finished listening. I decided right then that I was going to change how I listened to God. Dr. Stanley talked about picking a quiet spot to listen to God, which I have heard before, but he also talked about being in complete darkness along with the quiet. Well when you have so many thoughts going on in your head like I tend to have, you need all the help you can get. Then I remembered……….I packed my Bose headsets, which I rarely do, because frankly they take up too much room in my suitcase and when choosing between another pair of flip flops….I tend to choose the shoes….yes I’m a girl…..Anyway I realize I have them, but I also realize what God is doing. So after arguing with myself, yes in my head, I decide to try what Dr. Stanley talked about. I opened the curtains of my room and start fishing around the panels for the big, thick blackout panel and …..there it is. I see the beautiful beach of Rio De Janeiro. Oh dear Lord, why couldn’t I just hear from Dr. Stanley another time. You know, while I am somewhere not so, you know, tempting. But, since I’m holding my Bose headsets in my hands, and I’ve already made this commitment, I shut the curtains. I had left one small light on by the bed, so I started heading that way when, the phone rang. I picked up the phone to hear our Purser on the trip Cecelia. Hey Lori I’m going to head out to Ipenema for lunch, would you like to go. I glance at the clock, it is 12 noon. I have to eat right? When she said Ipanema and lunch, my stomach immediately started growling. But somehow, I had decided that my commitment to God was more important, wow thank you Lord. I said can we go at 1pm? She quickly responded, that’s fine, I will do some things on the computer and meet you downstairs. So I head toward the bed with my headsets, and prop myself up on the pillows. I turn off the lights and put my headsets on and wait. I can’t hear a thing, the Bose headsets really work. The blackout curtains are also doing the trick. So I wait……..”Be Still and Know That I Am God” Psalms 46:10 I ask God, ” What do you want from me”? Then the tears start, and I begin to talk to God. I tell him all my worries, all my deepest most heartfelt fears. Then he talks. He calms my spirit in a way that only HE can. Only the Most High God could make me feel so free….so loved. What he told me was very short, and very simple, but it is changing my life. I can’t wait to share with you, just how GREAT my God is. Blessings, Lori
Be Ware of the Hair Salon
On the way to the airport this morning I watched as several men crossed the road adjacent to the Davidson County Jail. I pass this road at least once a week. The faces change, but the pain can always be felt. It may be in their dirty clothes, their faces, the words on the cell as they beg someone to come get them. But the pain can always be felt.
This is always a familiar sight, and sometimes brings back memories of my own journey. This morning, I think of a particular time that my drinking didn’t quite turn out as I wanted…..surprise surprise surprise.
It all started at the hairdresser. You wouldn’t think anyone could get into trouble at a hairdresser, right? Well if you are an alcoholic like I was, then the idea seems quite reasonable. I was trying out a new hairdresser in my home town. Everything was going smooth. I had been sober for a few days and managed to make my appointment on time. I talked with the stylist and we agreed on the type of service I would receive that day. First highlights, where they put these beautiful tin foils all over your head along with a solution that lightens your hair to the desired shade. If you are a seasoned highlight recipient like I was,you also know that the more foils, the more highlights hence the better look, hence the higher price. So…ultimately, if you can afford it, you want your head to look like a sate light dish of tin foils. Especially if you are going for the “natural blond” look like I was. Anyway the agenda for the day was highlights, cut and style. But before we got started, oh my……..I couldn’t believe what my eyes beheld. Here comes a women carrying the most beautiful bottle that I had ever seen at a salon. “Would you care for a glass of wine?” wine wine wine wine wine wine wine wine…………………………….. Her voice seemed to echo in the room with that one word…..wine
without hesitation, I said yes.
I learned later in recovery, that this was the first mistake that I made. You might think “a duh, you said yes?” No, my first mistake was the thought. As an alcoholic , in my mind I have but a few seconds to make life saving choices. sometimes, these choices can’t be made alone. At that split second , I could have excused myself and called on a recovering friend, played the events forward in my head (play the tape through) or my favorite just “Run Forrest Run!” Of course I could have called on The Lord, but at that point in my recovery, I wouldn’t have listened anyway, I needed God with skin. Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying my recovery friends are playing God for me. What they are doing is holding my hand and walking with me until I can find God and surrender my will to him, on my own. God uses people in recovery to help others find peace with him as they have. We have a saying in recovery “To keep it, you have to give it away.” I have found this to be true. I have also found that once I started giving it away, it became one of my greatest joys.
But anyway, back to the Salon and my beautiful bottle of wine. The woman says “I will get you a glass.” Glass? How about the bottle and a straw? Why dirty a glass? But I wait patiently and she brings me this wonderfully full glass of red liquid. I have a sip…I sip..I sip
I slam. Oh Miss? Could I have another? That was just fabulous! May I see that bottle as well? I must try that year at home. After the 3rd glass (I think) my hair is all up in the tin foil sate lite, and starting to bake, uh process, lol. Oh my goodness, I need to get my phone from the car. Yes I know I have foils in my head, but, what the hoo….this is 2005 live a little Lori. In my car, I just happen to keep an emergency bottle of Vodka, oh dear….
My last clear memory, is being in the bathroom at the salon, and slamming Vodka straight from the bottle, no straw needed. My hair processes, and the stylist cuts and styles my hair. I tell her I love it and go again to the bathroom. I change back into my clothes, and slam a bit more vodka. I walk out of the bathroom, through the front lobby and out the front door into the mall. There are some great small shops inside The Factory and now that I have a great new hairstyle, I am feeling pretty good. (May also have something to do with the Vodka)
I browse around one store and decide it is time for another restroom break. In the restroom I have another “swig” of Vodka….bottle…restroom…fog…..bottle….fog…..policeman….policeman….policeman…….
Oh Miss? Miss….Miss….Are you alright?
Oh yes, I’m OK, I uh, I uh, I’m just not feeling very well.
Yes Mam someone called us and said there was a drunk lady in the Restroom.
Oh no Sir! I’m not drunk! I just had some wine at the hair salon. It must have not agreed with me so well.
Yes Mam the salon called us as well. Appears that you also did not pay your bill.
Oh Dear Me!….I am sooooooooo sorry!! I….uh….uh…have the cash right here in my purse……I must have forgotten. Oh I’m so sorry, I will just go pay them.
I understand Mam. I think you need to come with me.
Oh that’s OK! I have my car here. I will just pay the salon and head on my way……my BMW is just parked out front.
I will make sure you pay the ladies, but I need you to come with me first.
Sir, I can just wait here a while if you think I’ve had too much wine. I will pay the salon, and shop a bit. I’m feeling better now. Oh did I tell you I have a BMW? I also know Toby Keith, I can get you concert tickets…..
Mam, you need to come with me.
I guess you don’t want Toby Keith tickets….
The fog started to lift a little by this time. Something about silver bracelets seemed to wake me up a bit. So we head to the Williamson County Jail. Ironically this is the same jail that 8 years later I lead a Celebrate Recovery meeting for the women once a week But on this day, something entirely different was happening. The officer lead me into the jail. I’m still shocked that he is going to actually book me. My photo is taken, I am finger printed and searched. I saw my booking photo sometime later…a great hairdo with one side pushed completely flat to my face, I guess from lying on a bathroom floor. Wow…what class! I am lead to a small room with a bench, the handcuffs are taken off and the door is shut and locked. I am alone, and no bottle to comfort me. I lay down on the bench and cry. I must have passed out because the next thing I hear is Mrs. Payne, your husband is here to get you. I don’t remember much of the drive home, only the look on my husbands face. He looked tired and lonely. I was destroying myself, and this beautiful man who was so unfortunate as to fall in love with me.
James 1:14-15
Temptation comes from our own desires which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions, and when sin is allowed to grow it gives birth to death.
Waterboarding
Proverbs 19:13
A foolish child is a calamity to a father, a quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping.
Wow…When I first read this, I thought of Waterboarding. When I quarrel with my husband is that as if I am subjecting him to water torture? It says it, right here in Proverbs. Why do I continue to quarrel with the man that God chose for me? There must still be that part of me that is, I want to say independent, but the real words are, a know it all! After all, I listened to you Lord and worked very hard on myself for the past 7 years! As I write this, it looks so sad to me that the tears start with no prodding. Am I as hard on myself as I am on my husband? Not nearly. Why is it so easy to see where others are coming up short, and so hard to admit to my own short comings. At this point in my life, God has called me to write. Write you say? Yes write. Write what you say? I don’t know, but I know I was called to write. If you think you are confused, you should try living free rent in my head a bit. So anyway, God has called me to write. So why do I have so much trouble picking up that pen? God always provides the topic, and he never fails me. But every time I pick up the pen, I feel like I’m being led to slaughter! Just earlier today on my nice long layover in Brazil, I know life is tough, I have the following arguments with God.
Me Lord you want a lot from me. (Seeing this in print makes me laugh)
God I do, I gave my Son for you.
Me Lord I don’t know what to write.
God Just pick up the pen Dear Child (I added the Dear Child myself, just kinda seems how God would talk.)
Me Ok I’m picking up the pen, I’m ready to write…Ooops sorry Lord, I forgot to floss my teeth after I brushed. Just gotta do that real quick then I’m ready to obey you.
God Really?
So why again would I be so hard on others. I have learned in Recovery to “Take care of my own side of the street” “Give them to God” “Pray for others” Yet my own self-will continually tries to jump in. So much work to do…Maybe thats why God called me to write. Through writing, I seem to find it easier to listen to God and obey him. Just need to do it way more often!
Dear Jesus,
Please calm my fears and help me with my desire to do your will. I believe the root of my struggle always seems to be fear. You have said, “Fear Not” many times in your word. Please help me to believe and to grasp the peace that you have so graciously given me. I love you Lord, and my greatest desire truly is to serve you. Please help me fight this flesh that wants something else. Something that will never fulfill the true desire of my heart. In your precious name I ask.
Lori
25 Years with American Airlines
How Do You Turn a Mobile Home Over?
My Mom Could Do Anything! One of my earliest and scariest memories happened when I was about 4. We lived in a trailer in Las Cruces NM. It was me, my sister who was 6yrs older than me, and my mom and dad. I was adopted before I was born. Dad was a truck driver, and mom stayed at home with my sister and I. One day when my dad was gone and my sister was at school, there was an awful storm. I can remember it b
eing very dark and load noises like tree limbs breaking and lightning flashing everywhere. Then it happened. Things started flying, dishes breaking, pictures coming off the walls…mom and I flying though the air and finally resting on what had been the side of the trailer. Things are a little foggy here, but I remember my mom picking me up and running her hands all over my body checking for injury. She herself was bleeding from her knees where she crawled across glass to get to me. Then mom smelled something that made her move quickly. Mom somehow got me and her out of the trailer. Then another neighbor lady appeared to help. The wind was still blowing horribly, and it was pouring rain. My mom and the lady found the butane tank laying on its side. Mom somehow knew how to shut the butane tank off. This is where I black out. I must have fallen asleep, because I woke up at the neighbor ladies house. I’m still not sure how they turned our trailer back upright….. Here I am in my Dads work boots in that same trailor before the accident. You can see my sister doing dishes behind me. 
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