This is an excerpt to a chapter in my book. Please tell me what you think. It is not edited at this point. Thanks, Lori
One day after a few too many glasses of wine, I made a decision that would interupt many other lives, and take on a whole story of its own. I was adopted. In 1966 most adoption’s were closed. My adoption was also closed. What that meant basically was that both sides, the birth mother and or father, and the adoptive parents would not have any personal information about one another, including names. When I was in my early twenties, I was visiting mom and dad, and mom and I were in a conversation about my adoption. We were looking through the papers when I clearly read, “baby girl Ducham”. Mom, what’s this? What does this mean? Right here, look. What is this……baby girl D U C H A M. My mom looked at me as if she had waited for this moment. “That is your birth mothers name”. she said. “It wasn’t suppose to be on any of the papers that were sent to us, but someone made a mistake”. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I sat there stunned. I’m now in my twenties, and all this time her name was right here. Right here in this little lock box that mom kept in the closet. One of the biggest secrets of my life……my birth mom. Why now? Why would I see this now. At the time I had just started flying with an airline I had moved to Nashville, I was really enjoying my life. I don’t have time for this. I don’t want to know this, not now. Maybe not ever. My head was spinning. I had a million questions that I wanted answered. But I also had a heart full of fear, and in my life at that time, fear always won over. I planned to put Ms. or Mrs. or whatever she was Ducham, back in that little lock box and forget I ever saw those words…….Ducham….staring back at me. I felt very uncomfortable with my mom. I wanted to ask her some questions, but I feared the answers. I did look at the rest of the pages and found that not only was her name on A paper, it was all over the adoption papers. My birth mother, Betty Jean Ducham. Betty gave birth to me, Lori Jane Hardin-Payne on September 26th 1966 in Albuquerque, NM.
Here I am at home in Franklin, TN and like I said before, after a bit too much wine, I am watching the Maury Povich show. Now normally watching Maury would not be such a dangerous thing, right? I can’t even tell you what the show was about, but at the end there was this ad that popped up. Find Anyone Anywhere www……………………..com.
I have her name……Oh Lori, don’t even go there, she probably wants nothing to do with you. I have her name……..I wonder where she lives? Is she alive? Is she O.K. ? Was she young and had no choice? What does she look like? Do we have similar interests? My mind began to go places that I had never allowed it to go before. The wine had thrown all caution to the wind and I think before I even touched the keys on the keyboard, I knew I would find Betty. Continue reading
He was the most beautiful baby in the whole world. My heart was so full and I couldn’t imagine anything better than being his mom. Todd stood next to the bed his face soaking wet. We had been married 4 years and the time seemed perfect to start a family. Really everything seemed pretty perfect at that time. We had a beautiful new home. Todd was heading up the christian country division of a record label, and I had been a flight attendant with a major carrier for 9 years. Todd was doing well with his job, and I didn’t have to fly a full schedule unless I wanted to. Todd really liked his job, and cowboy boots and Stetson hats started to appear around our home. I liked being a part of his career as well. I was ready at any time to go hear some good music. And now here we are at Baptist Hospital in Nashville, TN, and shortly will leave with this perfect little baby boy. We also were gifted with family. Family was spilling out of the recovery room, the waiting room, the cafeteria….we felt so loved. My father in law was a Christian Singer. He toured for over 50 years with his group The Cathedral Quartet. He arrived at the hospital shortly before our boy, his namesake was born. I would find out later that he was dropped off by the tour bus, and spent the night on a bench in the waiting room, awaiting the arrival of his 3rd grandchild. I told you things were pretty much perfect. The calm before the storm? Satin hates it when Gods children smile. I had no idea at the time, but I would very soon open a door and give him the foothold he needed to begin his evil beating of me and my family. And, when Satin begins his beating, he tears on the very heart and soul that God has breathed into you. I am reminded again of why I write with tears….I no one but me, is to blame for the terrible beating that Satin was waiting to bestow on my precious family.
But right there, and then….things were looking up. Way Up!!
It was a joyous occasion!! The time in the hospital passed and it was time to take our little bundle home. I will never forget Todd saying “I can’t believe they are going to just let us leave here with him”. Yep, we were both a little clueless. I am the reader in the family so I was armed with the latest edition of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting”. Off we went with all the flowers, balloons, stuffed animals and Glen Cole Payne 7lbs 3oz.
Listening to Dr. Charles Stanley, I am once again reminded how awful it would be if toward the end of life, you suddenly discover that God had given you a gift, a purpose in life, and you never used it. Dr. Stanley called it ending your life with a big fat 0! Wow a 0….As tears come to my eyes, very easily these days it seems, I realize at 47 years of age I don’t want this to happen to me. I have failed so many times in my life. Lord, I don’t want to fail you. And so, here I am, and I write. I write with pain in my gut that is sometimes so strong I feel it will burst. You know where my pain comes from God. I know where it comes from too……and that is why I write again, with tears ……So here I begin my story….with hurt in my heart and fear that is so strong it can only be conquered through surrender to the Lord….So again here it is the story of how God used this broken messed up life, to show just how far his grace will go…..
In the days to come I will begin to share my story. I appreciate your prayers as I share the parts of my story that are the hardest to share. Therefore
I Write With Tears